The Messy Art of Making Friends as an Adult

Remember when making friends was as simple as complimenting someone's shoes? "I love your vibe" and boom—instant friendship! Those college days of effortless connections feel like a distant memory as we navigate the surprisingly challenging terrain of adult friendships.

Through raw, sometimes cringeworthy stories, I share my journey from friendship disappointments to genuine connections.Each experience taught me painful but necessary lessons about human connection.

What I've discovered might surprise you: friendship qualities we're never taught but desperately need to understand.

Most importantly, I've learned friendship isn't something that just happens—it's something you actively cultivate. It's about consistency, mutual effort, and eventually finding people who choose you back. Whether you're feeling lonely in a new city, struggling to maintain relationships through life transitions, or wondering why friendships feel so complicated now, you're not alone. You're not too old, too awkward, or too anything to find your people.

Ready to transform your approach to friendship? Listen now to discover how letting go of perfection, embracing authenticity, and taking small brave steps can lead to the meaningful connections we all crave. Your next life-changing friendship might start with something as simple as "Hey, want to grab coffee?"

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Adult Friend-Making Struggles
• 1:35 College Friendships and Seasonal Connections
• 2:50 Not Everyone Will Click With You
• 4:30 Friend Dating and Intentional Awkwardness
• 6:35 Outgrowing People Is Part of Life
• 7:56 Choose People Who Choose You Back
• 9:36 How to Make Real Friends

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi friend, welcome back to the self-help podcast with Tipali, a place where we unpack life's emotional chaos, one laugh, one cry and one brutally honest story at a time. I'm your host, tipali, and today's episode is about something I didn't expect to struggle with as an adult, which is making friends. But I did struggle. I'd say a lot yeah, we're going there, because for a long time I thought friendship would just happen Like we'd all just sync up like Bluetooth devices for life. But turns out adult friendship kind of awkward, kind of confusing, kind of lonely sometimes. So today I'm going to share the real, raw and honestly cringey things that I wish I knew about making friends and why it's not too late to find your people.

Speaker 1: 0:45

Let me take you back to college. It's freshman orientation everybody's nervous, or at least pretending to be confident, but nervous inside, I would assume and everyone's pretending that they are not, but, you know, pretending to be cool and all fun. And I meet this girl let's call her Sarah who says, oh, and, gee, I love your shoes. And I, angie, I love your shoes. And I say, oh, I love your vibe. And boom, instant friendship, right. So we ate every meal together for two weeks, posted selfies and to me. It felt like we were soulmates. And then one day we just stopped talking. So she changed her electives and then we just stopped talking. No fight, no drama. She just drifted and I was really heartbroken and of course I was always trying to figure out, okay, what went wrong. But like, why is she not talking to me Now, thinking about it and going back what I wish I knew? Not every connection is forever and that's okay. Some people are starter friends, some are seasonal friends and some are deep end of the pool people. But they take time and in student chemistry doesn't always mean lasting closeness or connection. And in my early 20s, now that I'm thinking about friendships, I think I would make plans but I would cancel last minute or say that we should totally hang out and mean it, but would never follow up. It took me years to realize that friendship is like a plant it dies if you forget to water it. And it's not about texting every other day or trauma bonding over a breakup at 2am or just having tea or coffee with your buddy first thing in the morning when you meet them in the office, but it's about showing up, the birthday dinners, the silent saying I'm thinking of you or you know, just the random text or a call hey, I thought about you, what are you up to? What are your plans now? The checking in, the act of checking in without needing something, is what I think nurtures that friendship. It grows it from the scratch, and I learned that good friends aren't found, they're nurtured.

Speaker 1: 2:38

Let me also give another story. Once I tried so hard to befriend with this one girl in college. She was was cool, magnetic and always invited to things, and I, per se, would always compliment her outfits and praised her often and even invited her to coffee at my place. But she kept it polite. But I could tell that she wasn't really interested and I spiraled. I thought to myself okay, is this me? Am I boring for her? Am I not good enough? Or am I not cool enough? Or do I not have a good personality that she wants to hang out with me? Like what's the point? But now I realize that not everyone will stick with you and that's not a personal failure, though to a 22-year-old it felt like a big defeat. It's now that I've learned that it's not a personal failure, right, it's over the time that you understand these things, as you're on the crossroads. So it's chemistry, it's timing, it's energy, and you can be amazing and still not be someone's cup of tea. I remember a quote that says and I and it's worded differently, but this is how it sounds that you could be the best looking ph in the world and still someone can walk all over you. You know what that's actually freeing and liberating. I know it's also a very important power move right Now.

Speaker 1: 3:49

Okay, christian, I used to believe that I needed one best friend, like you always see on social media or like in the movies also majority of the times, that one person who just gets you is always available and stays with you through every phase of life, and I obsessed over having that one person. But real life was way messier. But sometimes your emotional support friend isn't the same as your brunch friend. Sometimes the person you text about your breakup isn't the one who will call you when you want to talk about books. Wish I knew all of this and I wish I knew it's okay to have a group like a constellation of friendships and not just one sun. Different people bring out different parts of you, different personalities of you, and that's beautiful. Let's talk about adult friendships because once you're out of you different personalities of you, and that's beautiful.

Speaker 1: 4:30

Let's talk about adult friendships, because once you're out of school, making friends feel like dating, like a blind date, but more awkward. I once went on what I call a friend date with someone I met in a dance class and we got, I think, smoothies after class and I was nervous. I was like, okay, should I be funny, should I overshare about my trauma now or wait for round two or something like that? But that day taught me something making friends as an adult required, requires intentional awkwardness. You have to initiate, you have to follow up, you have to risk being either too much or too little, maybe not enough, but the reward in the end is joy. It's real connection, it's real joy. It's totally worth it.

Speaker 1: 5:06

And and this is what I've personally noticed my partner doing a lot. Ever since we moved across, like ever since we changed countries, he has been actively, intentionally doing that and he's afraid to be let down or to be let go of or to be judged. And now I think, in hindsight, his will to find people was far, far greater than what other people may think about him when he's presenting himself in all his rawness and glory. And oh boy, what a disservice to our own selves if we do that, like I have been doing this and I not. That I regret, I mean honestly, deep down, yes, but I have learned it the hard way. Yeah, been there, done that, but learned from that too.

Speaker 1: 5:44

And then also a very important lesson here, somewhere deep in these layers, is that you might outgrow people and that's okay and that's a part of your growth and evolution. And there was a friend I loved deeply for years. We went through everything together breakups, bad jobs, ugly crying at 3am, night hours and day outs and everything. But over time something shifted like we just we just weren't aligned anymore. I started growing in a new, different direction and she stayed where we were, and ending that friendship felt like a divorce and it was not like announcing that I'm not friends with you anymore. It was just a slow, gradual but a subtle shift. And I learned that outgrowing people doesn't mean that you're cruel or you're being rude or you don't care anymore or you're being just a snob. It just means that you're evolving. And some people are like chapters in your life, some are whole books and it's not betrayal, it's a part of life. Letting go gave me space to meet new people, people who matched who I was becoming as I was evolving and growing in my own path and taking my own journey.

Speaker 1: 6:45

And the other thing is that you have to have friends and make friendships where you are being chosen back, meaning you deserve to be loved and cared for in ways that you would want. And this one hits deep. For a long time I chased people and I was a people pleaser big time until one day I just suddenly wasn't and I was like not gonna be that again, ever. And it's been a few years of great glory. But I chased people and I'd initiate everything, I would plan everything, I'd bend my schedule just to make things work. And one day I realized it honestly felt like I was auditioning or interviewing for people who hadn't even decided to show up. So now I pay attention to who calls me, who checks in with me, who knows what am I doing and how am I feeling, who makes to effort without being nudged. And friendship exactly should feel mutual. You deserve people who choose you back. It shouldn't be a one-way street or one network traffic. You will be bored, you will be suffocated and exhausted and drained at the end of it and you don't need to do any begging. No begging, no proving, no making calls every day, no texting. Now what actually really helped me make real friends? Here's the real tea.

Speaker 1: 7:57

How did I finally start making the kind of friends I always wanted? Number one I gave up the idea that making friends is a part of my goal, but it's an outcome of what I do with my life. Right. So I got interested in my own life. I always was, but with more intention. I pursued hobbies and did good in my career. I joined different clubs and I started showing up to do things alone. I didn't care about how people would think of me sitting alone in a cafe or just sitting by myself outside a coffee shop. All of that I didn't care, and that attracted people naturally towards me. Then I got comfortable being a little cringe. I have always been like that since my childhood.

Speaker 1: 8:38

Like I became, more came like out in the open. I was more out there and I invited people to hang out. Even if it felt awkward, like some ghosted, some became really close. I remember inviting someone to my home and they showed up like they are my oldest, greatest buddy. And then after that meeting, they never showed up and are my oldest, greatest buddy. And then after that meeting, they never showed up and I and it was a play date for my son and I felt like, okay, what did I do wrong? Or maybe why? Why is this person no more interested in talking to me, but anyway. So, yeah, anyhow, that led to a lot of compassion and thinking, but in a few minutes I was able to come back to being okay and being comfortable and letting someone close me. That's fine. And then, third is that I became the kind of friend I wanted.

Speaker 1: 9:20

We expect people to be consistent, thoughtful, present. So you be that. You don't be on the phone, you send that. Hey, I'm thinking of you. You talk about, okay, what's important to you and what matters to you and do you want to go out and things like that.

Speaker 1: 9:34

But remember now this may sound contrary to what I said do not be the person who's, do not be the only person, I must say, who's overspending in terms of effort and energy. But once you find that person is really nice and you want to be friends with them and they reciprocate, then it's also your responsibility to continue building on that momentum. But do not I wouldn't personally recommend overdoing it. Like I have said, it's a big put off to people when someone overdoes things or, like you know, you get the drill. Right now turns out that being real is magnetic. People feel safe with people themselves. You have to be yourself and authenticity is your biggest value. So here's what I wish someone had told me sooner making Making friends can be messy, slow, weird, long, full of rejection, but that doesn't mean that you're unlovable.

Speaker 1: 10:22

It only means that you're human. Friendships is one of the most beautiful, sacred, unnecessary parts of being alive. And, yes, it's still possible for you. You're not too old, too awkward, too anything. You're just in a new season and your people, they're out there, waiting for someone just like you to say hey, do you want to grab some coffee? So take the risk, not the conversation. Show up. It's important, just like your work, just like a meeting, just like an interview, just like your gym. It's important to show up to your friends. For a relationship that you call friendship. You need to show up, and the thing is, you don't have to figure it out alone. This felt like an episode which talked about my journey of finding friends and friendships from a place of hot mess to a place where I feel like healing is underway and if this episode hits home, text it to someone who gets it or post it or write that weirdly.