Why Confidence Isn’t What You Think It Is

We challenge the myth that confidence is loud, polished performance and replace it with a grounded practice of self-trust built through small, brave actions. Stories of rejection, resilience, and reframing show how confidence grows in motion, not in waiting.

• confidence as self-trust, not appearance
• the validation trap and its costs
• stories that reframe confidence through resilience
• rejection as redirection and data
• perfectionism as paralysis; action precedes confidence
• comparison as a thief of joy and focus
• a simple exercise to choose one small brave step
• a closing invitation to embody confidence daily

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Chapters

• 0:00 Shattering The Confidence Myth
• 1:39 Appearance vs. Inner Reality
• 4:20 Confidence As Self-Trust
• 6:00 Stories That Reframe Confidence
• 9:35 The Three Confidence Killers
• 12:40 Action Before Confidence
• 14:50 Reclaiming Confidence In Daily Life
• 15:30 Closing Reflection & Invitation

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Let me ask you something. When you hear the word confidence, what comes to your mind? Is it the person who walks into a room, shoulders back, commanding attention? Or is it the person who always seems to have the right words, the perfect smile, the unshakable presence? That's what we've been told, isn't it? That confidence is about how loud your voice is, how firm it is, and how firm your handshake is, and how just flawlessly you perform and execute each time. But let me break the illusion right here. Right now. Confidence is not about being the loudest in the room. It's not about pretending you are fearless, and it's definitely not about faking it till you make it. Though I believe that for the majority of my life. Here's the truth. Most of us have believed confidence to be something that it entirely isn't. Your same space where we unpack life's chaos, one story, one lesson, one moment at a time. And just now we are going to dive into something deeper. Deeper than the Instagram quirts, deeper than the motivational posters, things on the internet, and Pinterest and everywhere else. Deeper than the quick tips that you've been fed so far. And by the end of this journey, I promise you, you will never look at confidence the same way again. So Bakala, this isn't a pep talk, this is a transformation. Because here's the real question: what if confidence isn't what you show the world? But the relationship that you have with yourself? About learning to walk with fear and not let it hold you hostage. And what if I told you, you've already been practicing confidence in ways you don't even recognize? Ha, let's start with the myth. Wondering, what is she even talking about? Society has sold us a very specific picture of confidence. We're told it looks like charisma, like power, like dominance. We see it in the media: the bold leader, the flawless celebrity, the extroverts who light up every room. Now, from the time we were kids, school rewards the outspoken ones. At work, promotions often go to people who appear the most confident in meetings. And quietly, without noticing, we began to believe confidence equal performance. Confidence equal accomplishments. But here's the paradox. Some of the most confident looking people are the most insecure on the inside. Think about it. Haven't you ever met someone who seemed larger than life, loud, magnetic, unstoppable, only to later discover that they were battling deep self-doubt? I laugh and I think of myself being in exactly this position. Like I would take it till I make it, but internally I was battling the deep level of self-doubt. So let me give you an example. Robin Williams. On stage, he was one of the most electric performers in history. He made millions of people laugh. He lit up rooms. He embodied what the world caused confidence. But behind the struggle, behind the curtain, he struggled with depression and pain. Another example you may think. Think of that colleague of yours, that leader, that influencer you admire. They look bold, outgoing, polished, unstoppable. But if you peel back the curtain, many of them will admit privately that they feel like a fraud. And they say, I'm terrified, people will find out I'm not as put together as I look or as they think that I am. That's because the myth of confidence is based on appearance. Unfortunate, but true. On performance, true, on how we look to the world. 100% true. But that's the myth. But what happens when you build your entire sense of self on how you look and how you perform instead of how you feel? You become addicted to validation. You fall victim to comparison, you chase approval. And no matter how loud your love or how big your stage presence is, the insecurity never ever leaves. So let me ask you this: have you ever smiled on the outside while trembling on the inside? Have you ever forced yourself to look confident, even though your heart was pounding? Have you ever walked away from an opportunity because you thought, hey, there's no way I could do it. I'm just not confident enough for this. If you have, you're not alone. I have done this all the time. Only to of course regret it later, but to also understand a greater lesson in confidence. Because society taught you the wrong definition. And tonight we are going to revire it. Confidence is not performance. Confidence is not flawless perfection. Confidence is not pretending that you're fearless. Confidence is something much deeper that goes many, many layers beneath. And in a moment, I'll tell you what it really is. So if confidence isn't performance, if it isn't about appearances, then what it really is. It is not the absence of fear. It's not waking up one day and saying and singing, I'm finally fearless. No. Confidence is walking with fear, but walking and acting anyway. Confidence is self-trust. It's knowing that no matter what happens, you will figure it out. No matter how bad it gets, no matter whatever comes your way, you will have it figured out. Think about that for a second. Confidence is not knowing you'll succeed. It's knowing you will be okay even if you don't, and even if you fail, because guess what? There's tomorrow, and we shall try again and we shall fail better, so we succeed even better. It's not control, it's resilience. Now think of this. Picture a surfer. They don't control the waves, do they? They don't, of course. They can stop the ocean from crashing, but they trust themselves. They trust in their abilities, they trust in their capability that even if they fall, they'll get back up, they'll climb on the board and then try again. That's confidence. So what if instead of spending your whole life trying to look confident, you actually start to practice self-trust instead? Let me ask you, what would change in your life if you trusted yourself to handle rejection, to survive failure, to fail publicly, to rise after thinning? That's the shift. Confidence isn't a mask you wear for the world. Even though all this while I've been thinking to myself, okay, I need to show it up, I need to put that facade. No, it's a relationship that you build with yourself. Now let me bring this to life and given some more perspective with real stories. A young woman I once worked with, let's call her Maya, she described herself as painfully shy. She hated speaking up in class, in meetings, even in casual conversations. She thought her lack of loudness meant she lacked confidence, but then she slowly shifted her perspective. Instead of trying to force herself to be louder, she leaned into listening. She asked thoughtful questions. People were actually drawn to her presence, not because she was the loudest voice in the room, but because she made other feels heard. Because she made sure that she was intentional with her approach and that she belonged at the same table. Now her confidence didn't come from volume or from how loud she was, but from authenticity. An entrepreneur I've met once bombed their very first investor pitch. Slights throws, birds stumble, silence built the room. By all external standards, it was a disaster. But instead of quitting, he reframed it. He reframed it. He said, if I survived that humiliation and I'm still here, maybe I can survive everything. And he went on. That failure became proof of resilience, and within two years he built a thriving business. His confidence wasn't born from perfect performance. It was born from knowing that he could handle imperfection. And then there's heartbreak. A friend of mine I know went through a collapse of a long-term relationship. She thought her world was over. She told me I'll never be strong enough to start over again. But step by step, she rebuilt. Not by pretending to be confident, not by putting on a mask, but by showing up as vulnerable, messy, and real. Her confidence didn't come from hiding the pain, it came from owning it, surviving it, and still choosing to move forward. So here's the question for you. Think about the last time you thought you lacked confidence. You laughed, or was it the fear of judgment? Because every time you spoke when your voice trembled, every time you tried again after failure, every time you showed up messy and real, you were already practicing confidence. So what stopped you? I bet it was not the lack of confidence. You just didn't call it that. Confidence is not something you wait to have before you act. It's something you build in the act itself. So if confidence is really about self-rust, then what gets in our way? Three things. Three silent killers of confidence that show up in almost every one of our lives. And this is what I'm generally speaking. Basis my experience, rejection, perfectionism, and the trap of comparison. Didn't get the job, reject it, must not be good enough. Didn't get the date, must not be pretty or lovable enough. Did not get the applause, must not be worthy enough. But here's the truth: rejection is redirection. It doesn't mean that you're not enough. It simply means that the door wasn't the one meant for you. There may be many other doors that will open up for you. Think about this. Some of the world's most successful people were rejected dozen times. Think of Chatma. Even hundreds of times. Jake Rowling was rejected by 12 publishers before Harry Potter ever saw the light of the day. Rupra was told she wasn't fit for television and look at her now. Rejection didn't define them, it refined them. They made their own story. So here's the reframing. Rejection is not a verdict on your value. Please disassociate the two. It's feedback, it's data. It's an invitation to keep going in a different direction and sometimes calls for a rethink in your approach. Ha, big one. The one that I have been a victim to all my life, perfectionism. The second barrier is waiting to feel ready. How many times have you told yourself, I'll start when I'm more prepared, I'll speak when I'm more confident, I'll speak when I only have prepped for the meeting. I'll try when I know I won't fit. I have done that. I think this there's this one underlying theme of my life, which is this. This God has prevented me from entering rooms that I was supposed to go and shine in. Opportunities I was meant to take. Moments I was meant to lead on. I didn't. Because here's the paradox. Confidence doesn't come before action. It is born in action. Think of a baby learning to walk. I could only think of my son. They don't wait until they're sure they won't fall. They fall, they wobble, they stumble, and almost walk like cute little penguins. And through those falls they build balance. Now what if you stop waiting for perfect conditions? What if you acted messy, scared, unpolished, and trusted? That's exactly how confidence is built. I have waited for so long to start this podcast. Oh my god, I can't even imagine and cannot begin to tell you how many years did I waste my life. And with just one single thought, thinking, hey, I'm not good enough. Why will anybody want to listen? Why will someone listen to me? What valuable do I have to say? But here I am giving into my gut because I love doing this. And the results will follow. And even if they don't, the journey and not the outcome is important. At least to me it isn't. Outcome is a natural byproduct. But journey is who I am becoming in the process. What is this journey teaching me and how it is helping me expand and grow in my life and in my career? Number three, compassion. Third barrier. We scroll through social media all the time, right? Wait through TikTok, Instagram, Facebook reads, and see highlight readings. The polished photos, the achievements, the confidence on display, making it to Forbes 40 under 40, 30 under 30 beautiful house, reamy vacation. And we measure it so much. We measure ourselves actually against it. Here's the reality: compassion is a thief. We learned from the childhood, compassion is a thief of joy. It really truly is. It steals joy from your little perfect moments. It steals courage and it steals action. I have for so long thought about this. How are people looking so well put with a little infant and a toddler and managing meals and working and juggling all the house chores? I look like a homeless person, and but I kept comparing myself, and so that was an additional pressure I kept only to never meet, only to get frustrated and infuriated and then take out the anger on my family. Which was so bizarre. I don't want to do that. Because when you measure yourself against anybody, you actually think that you're behind them. And you measure your beginning against someone else's middle. They say, right, don't compare your 20s with someone else's 40s or 50s, or your middle against someone else's highlight. You'll always feel behind. You'll always think behind. Confidence isn't about being more than someone else, it's about being more of yourself. Now I want to give you a quick small exercise. Wherever you are right now, close your eyes. Take a deep breath and think about one area in your life where you've been waiting to feel confident. Maybe it's speaking up at work, maybe it's starting the business, maybe it's taking the leap of faith, maybe it's about asking for what you really want in a relationship. Now ask yourself, how do I get more confident? Ask yourself, what is the small action that I can take today, even when I'm scared, even when my voice shakes, even when I don't want to do that? That's it. One step. Because confidence isn't the prize you get for being fearless, it is the muscle that you build by moving forward. And it doesn't come before action. Confidence is created through action. So you came here tonight carrying a story, a belief that confidence was being fearless, that it was about being loud, unshakable, polished, refined, untouchable. But here's the revelation you have uncovered. Confidence isn't the absence of fear. It isn't perfection. It isn't looking like you've got it all figured out. It is the presence of self-trust. The quiet strength, the unwavering knowing that no matter what happens, you will navigate it. Without knowing how, remember that. Confidence is rising up to the fall and showing up even when your hands shake, even if your voice quavers, and when the outcome is uncertain and sometimes not promised. But here's the most extraordinary part. You don't need to become confident. You already are. Think about it. Every time life knocked you down, you stood back up, right? Didn't you? That was confidence. Every time you spoke your truth, even when your heart raised, that was confidence. Every time you took a step forward, messy, imperfect, vulnerable, but fully present, there was confidence. Every time you've spoken up in a meeting, even though you felt like you do not have the most valuable contribution, that was confidence. Every time you took that leap of faith and called someone that you've been meaning to, or sent a thank you email or note, or set up a coffee chat, that was confidence. So you've been living it all along in ways you don't even imagine and you don't notice. So from this moment, reframe. Stop asking. How do I become confident? Stop chasing it like a mirage. Start asking, how can I deepen my trust in myself today? How can I deepen and strengthen the self-trust? What's the small brave action I can take right now, even with the fear still in my chest? And it's a 100% reminder to me also. Because the truth, the truth is liberating, which is you don't find confidence, you never will find confidence because you actually live it. You embody it, you cultivate it every time. You dare to act despite the fear. And here's my little request to you. Tonight, before you sleep, choose one small deliberate action. You've been postponing forever. Send that email. Speak the words, ask the question, take that first shaky step. Confidence doesn't arrive magically. It is born in action and it grows in motion. It blooms when you do the thing that you're scared to do. It blooms when you do the things, when you do the things that knock the living air out of your body. Your life is waiting for you. The world is waiting for you. Not for a perfect fear, less version of you, no. But the real brave flawed. Very much flawed. Surprisingly. The you who trust yourselves enough to show up. The you who dares again and again. Go five it. So go embody it. Go rise. Because the world doesn't just need a confident person, it needs you right now. Exactly as you are. Thank you for stopping by. And if this resonated with you, give it a like, follow for more such wonderful, inspiring self-help content. And until I see you all next time. Bye bye.