What no one tells you about Healing

We pull apart the myth of linear healing and show how progress often looks messy, slow, and invisible. Through stories, psychology, and practical tools, we reframe pain as a teacher, set kinder boundaries, and honor the quiet wins that change a life.

• challenging the speed myth and linear timelines
• the U-shaped curve and recalibration
• naming the messy middle and honoring scars
• invisible wins, boundaries, and self-talk
• neuroplasticity and small daily choices
• forgiveness as optional, acceptance as essential
• pain as mirror and post-traumatic growth
• cyclical healing and identity renewal
• daily practices for steadier healing

So if today's episode touched you, share it with someone who might need a reminder that healing isn't about perfection, it's about progress

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Myth Of Linear Healing
• 1:54 Fast Culture Meets Slow Emotions
• 3:20 Honesty As The Turning Point
• 4:03 The U-Shaped Curve And Recalibration
• 5:01 The Messy Middle Of Healing
• 6:30 Scars, Meaning, And Gentle Strength
• 8:04 Invisible Work And Tiny Victories
• 9:56 Neuroplasticity And Daily Rewiring
• 11:20 Forgiveness Isn’t Required
• 13:06 Pain As Teacher And Growth
• 15:04 Cyclical Healing And Identity

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hi and welcome back to the Self Help Podcast with me. If you're new here, I'm a storyteller, a dreamer, a speaker, and a mum to the most magical little human who teaches me amazing new things every single day. And I'm also someone who has walked through my own strong loss, confusion, fear, identity crisis, and somehow found my way back home to myself. And I'll be honest, I used to think healing was this linear, pretty process. Like a straight line. You do the therapy, the meditation, the affirmations, and poof, you are healed. Right? But nobody tells you about the truth behind healing. Dag, it's not linear. You have to live and experience it to really understand it. It's not graceful. It's everything else but grace. It's not all the self-love codes and it's all not rosy and bubble bands. It's crying when you thought you were fine. It's knowing what you want, but not knowing how do you go about it. It's letting go when your hands are still trembling. It's your loss of control. It's growing so much that the old versions of you start to feel cringy and like strangers. So today we're diving deep into what nobody tells you about healing in a way which is like a conversation between two friends. So wherever you are, driving, walking, lying down in bed, just take a deep breath. Let's go from here. And as I'm recording it, it's a beautiful rain here in Victoria. Trees are all orange and red in colour. Some people are talking about their winter vacations, their plans of just resting and taking it light this year. Someone's planning a trip around Christmas time. And someone's really excited about the upcoming Halloween holiday. So let's start with the biggest myth out here that healing is quick. Now we live in a world which is obsessed with speed, fast success, fast growth, fast healing. People say things like, just let it go, move on, be positive, let it be real. It's not that simple. You can't you cannot timeline your feelings and you can't rush your heart into calm. I wish there was a button that we press and we are into a state of zen. How wonderful and easy everything would be, but that's not the case. Sometimes you heal fast, and sometimes it takes years, and that's okay. I remember going through some painful periods of my life, and uh I was like, okay, I'll be fine, and maybe it was meant to teach me something, and then I tried to move on. So, new haircut, new hobbies, new friends, just pushing myself out of the comfort zone. But every time I sit in silence, some things haunted me, some things still didn't make sense, and I didn't find my peace. And one day, sitting alone in the car, I just said it out loud, why am I not over this yet? But that moment, that honesty, was the beginning of real healing because I stopped pretending. And healing doesn't mean it's forgetting, it's acceptance. It is making peace while it still hurts. With what still hurts you, you're gonna make peace with that. And here's something fascinating psychologists talk about a U-shaped healing curve. So you start to feel a little better, then suddenly you crash, and then you rise again, so it gets worse before it gets better, and then you rise again higher than before. And it's not regression, it's called recalibration. It's you reinventing yourself. It's you and your life reinventing itself. It's your soul saying, wait, wait, we're not done here. So maybe the next time you feel like you're going back where you started, you can whisper to yourself. I am not back at the start. I'm just learning the same lesson at a deeper level. And believe me, the universe keeps sending you signals. The universe keeps presenting the same lessons over and over and over until you do one thing, which is to understand and learn from your mistakes. Take a second and think. Have you ever thought you were hint? And then something small, a smell, a song, a memory, just like a blur, a photo, an object, just brought everything flooding back. That anxiety, all of all of it came crashing down. That's not failure. That's still a proof that your heart is still tender, it's still alive, it's still growing, and you must give yourself all the grace. Let's just say it in real terms that healing is a messy process. It's not an it's not an aesthetic morning routine or holding a warm mug on a cold winter evening or a perfect journal entry. It's ugly crying in the shower. It's not being able to calm your mind at 3 a.m. midnight, it's eating ice cream straight from the tub at 1am. It is not finding peace even though you want it the most. It's losing patience with yourself and then with your family and all the people that you love, and then having to forgive yourself again. And learning how to love back. It's messy, but believe me it's movement. When we heal physically from a cut, from say a surgery, a burn, a broken bone, it doesn't happen neatly, right? You recall it being a smooth process? No, it always hurts for sometimes days and sometimes even months, and it's painful, it's swollen, it itches, it leaves a scar, right? Now that scar is there for a reason. It is to remind you of how amazing you are that your wounds matter. Your wounds have a story, and they're not just to break you down, they are to level you up in life, and the emotional healing is the same. People say to people who survive chronic illnesses and disease, they expect you to do the same. Smile. But people can break, people can sit in the dark and say, Okay, when does this get easier? The fact of the matter is, it doesn't get easier. You get gentler, you get quieter, you learn to take control of your mind and make peace and understand that everything is in complete and full alignment with where you should be. So make peace with where you are right now because that's exactly where you were meant to be. And the universe always has your back. You learn to breathe through what used to suffocate you. Have you ever heard of that quote by Rumi which said, The wound is the place where the light enters you? And that line used to make me cry because it's true. Our wounds are sacred. They are not just scars, they are where we learn compassion, where we learn empathy, we learn softness and love. So if you're in your messy middle right now, the crying, the ugly doubting, the back and forth, you're not doing it wrong. You are doing it right because the mess is the proof. It is the exact proof that you're healing and you're healing well. So let me ask you something. What would have you been avoiding because it feels too heavy to face? Maybe it's your own illness or the inner parts of you which have not yet healed. But what might it be trying to teach you? And here's what nobody celebrates the invisible work of healing. Oh my god, like I just feel it's a lot. It's so taxing and exhausting. But you will not be the same person once you come out of it. And you don't get any applause for it. You have to be your own cheerleader while you're in the process of healing yourself. You don't get social media likes for it, but it's here. Quietly shaping you every single day. Healing often looks like choosing not to reply to that text or not immediately answering the call. Breathing through your anger instead of just lashing out. Saying no when your people-pleasing tendency wants to say a yes. Speaking kindly to yourself when your mind starts spiraling. Those moments, now those are tiny victories. And I had a client once, he was he had a childhood full of trauma and self-doubt. He told me, I go to therapy every week, but I don't see any difference. And then he said, immediately after that, immediately the line that followed is something that hit me. Maybe I'm just not meant to heal. But I reminded him, healing is often invisible, messy, and it gets worse before it becomes better, before it becomes apparent and visible. You know, just like how seeds grow roots before they sprout the leaves. It's the inner world that happens before, and only then it starts to show up and become evident. A few months later, he told me that he'd stood up to someone who had disrespected him calmly, without guilt, and he realized that it was progress. He said, No, that this person cannot talk to me rudely in a disrespectful manner. Okay, healing doesn't always feel like fireworks. Sometimes it feels like peace, sometimes it does feel like home. Neuroscience calls it neuroplasticity. Your brain's ability to rewire itself through repetition and compassion. So every time you choose love over fear, calm over kiosk, you are literally changing your brain. Believe me. So I'll ask you, what small invisible acts of healing are you practicing today? Right now, in this moment, that no one else sees, that only you know. But you know that is changing you. Let's talk about something really controversial that might break the room in many different segments, which is healing is not always synonymous to forgiveness. Sometimes forgiveness is a chapter that comes much, much later, or not at all, and that's okay too. You don't have to rush to forgive people who never apologize. You don't have to make peace with those who still choose chaos. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is accept what happened and let yourself move forward anyway. There was a woman I once met who had been betrayed by her best friend. Everything, everyone around her said, You have to forgive, that's how you heal. Forgive and forget. So she did, or at least she said, or she believed that she did. But months later, she told me, I feel worse, I feel fake, I don't feel like being myself. And that's when she realized that she wasn't ready. Forgiveness, when forced becomes just another mask. And you don't want to put another mask on. Healing, on the other hand, is about reclaiming your peace and your part, whether or not forgiveness ever happens. Brene Brown once said, owning a story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. And oh boy, that makes total sense. So instead of rushing to forgive others, maybe it's time to start forgiving your own self for staying too long, for trying too hard, for not knowing any better. Because you did the best you could with what you had. Pain. The word we avoid at all cost. The feeling we fear, the teacher we resist. But the truth is, pain isn't your enemy, it's your mirror. It shows you what's still raw, what's still real, and what still matters. What if you start talking to yourself in a way where you think about it this way? And I've learned to do it exactly the same way. What if this pain isn't here to punish me? What if it is here to wake me up? Pain teaches you presence. We think that it strips us away from everything we need, but it actually shows us what we actually couldn't live without. Peace. Purpose, plan, connection. Now there's a term in psychology called post-traumatic growth. It happens when people don't just survive pain, like physical and mental pain, they also evolve through it. Now, let it think in your mind. Every person that you admire has faced pain, but they let it teach them instead of breaking them. Right? So instead of asking, when will this end? Why me? Why do bad things happen to me all the time? Try asking, what is this trying to teach me? What is this showing me? That simple reframe sounds very simple and is very easy, but it's a very powerful one. Now, this reframe can literally change everything. What pain in your life might actually be pointing you towards something deeper? Something waiting to be healed or maybe even reborn. And here's the truth: I wish I wish someone had told me sooner. Healing is not a straight line. You think you were done, you'll cry again. Then something cranks you open again, you'll think you've moved on, then your body remembers, and that's okay. And I've been struggling with this part in particular because I'm like a very one and done kind of a person. If something has bothered me for so long and I've worked so hard in order to overcome it, I might as well be over it and not think or give a goddamn second of my life about it. But no, I promise you, that's the only constant. It'll keep coming back to you. There will be memory flashes all over again. But what you gotta understand is that it is okay because healing is psychical. Every time you revisit an old pain, you do it with new strength, new awareness, and new compassion. Carl Zheng once said, I'm not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. I have recently read this quote in one of the stores on a tea mug which says life is just in fact, it was actually written, uh designed on a teapot. It said, Life is just like tea. It's what you make out of it, it's how you make it. And oh god, that has been a revelation. Of course, I knew all these basic things, but it has helped me rewire and reframe my thinking. And I remind myself of that often. In fact, I've been looking out for that teapot. I wish I can find one and I can keep it in my kitchen, but especially on the hard days, it's a beautiful reminder. Because healing isn't about never feeling pain again, it's about knowing that you can survive it and still open your heart to love again. So let's bring it home with some gentle practical ways to support your healing journey. The kind of small things that you can do every single day that truly adds up. Number one is acknowledging your pain and not running away from it. So say it out loud. Write it down, give it a name. Don't just try and escape. Journal your truth. Don't censor it, don't hide it. The messy pages are the real ones. Find your safe spaces. People who see you, not try to fix you or see a problem with you. Honor your body. Please sleep. Nourish well, move gently. And celebrate tiny wins. You have a healthy body, you have a wonderful, beautiful, alive family. That's a win and that counts. Be patient. Healing isn't about speed, it's about presence. And remember this: healing isn't about becoming who you used to be. It's about becoming who you were always meant to be. It's not about going back to your older self. It's about finding, evolving into a better, more beautiful, and a kinder version of yourself. Every tear, every pause, every inhale is a part of that transformation. So if today's episode touched you, share it with someone who might need a reminder that healing isn't about perfection, it's about progress. And if you are in the thick of it right now, just know. If you're dealing with pain, uncertainty, chaos, just know. Please know that this will be over soon in no time. And I see you. And I'm walking it too. Antipani, a mum, a dreamer, a woman who's still learning, still healing, still showing up, still waking up every single day and wondering why am I doing and what am I doing here? Even when it's hard, we are in the process. We are on that journey. And it is all going to work out in our favor. Because healing isn't that pain will disappear. It means that despite that pain, you choose yourself, and you choose yourself kindly all the times, every day. And that, my friend, is the most beautiful kind of courage. So thank you once again for sticking with me for so long. And I wish you all the best in your healing journey. And I hope you evolve into a beautiful, better kind of version of you. And until next time, bye-bye.